Want to know the universal understatement? ‘Life is hard.’
Seriously, life is not just hard, it’s a labyrinth of sufferings as Alaska said. We are all coded in this. We are being watched and followed, yet we still feel so lonely. Why? Distrust. We are almost 8 billion people in the world, big number right? But think about it, 7.8 billion people in the entire universe, because we’re not yet sure if aliens exist so hang in there. We are technically living on the only plant that fully supports life. The only planet, and look what we’ve done to each other. We are so lonely in the universe so we should stick by each other right? But no, people think otherwise. Bullying, acid violence, gun violence, wars, terrorism, bombings, air strikes, murders, rapes, harassments, assaults, sexual, physical and verbal abuse, & heartbreaks. We are pretty much content on destroying each other’s lives. That’s us then there’s these people who commit suicides and end their miserable lives before someone else can do it for them. We are betrayed, taken for granted, disregarded and so on. All these factors make life so hard.
Well, there’s a much bigger picture to it.
I have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Medically, its a condition where you have evenly arranged follicles in your ovaries. Doctors tend to put girls with PCOS on birth-control pills because of irregular menstruation pattern. I just got diagnosed, but I’ve had it ever since I hit puberty. The reason why PCOS is a silent killer is because it takes away the features of your beauty. And what you become, by the end is what society calls ‘ugly and fat’. Just recently, I had attended a distant cousin’s wedding and all the aunties were looking at me with disgust. Now what PCOS has done to me is hair fall, weakness, weight gain, loss of appetite, depression, and a big drop in my white blood cells count which means that I’m less immune to diseases and infections. I now follow a 1200 calorie diet which I have to maintain till death. It’s not deadly but it’s killing me an I’m slowly losing the sense of who I was before.
I have came to the conclusion that I am just not ready. I am not ready to fall in love. I am not ready to be vulnerable. And that’s okay. It’s okay because I need to think of myself first, I need to find me first, before I can give my heart to someone. In today’s society, being single is looked at like it’s a bad thing, like you’re sad and miserable while you’re single. But that is not how it should be. We should be happy whatever our status maybe, and if we aren’t, we always have a choice to choose the path of happiness. I have been on my own for all of my life, and I am loving every part of it. I’ve been able to go on a journey of self-exploration, and I was able to mature more than I would have with a partner. So single or in a relationship, you have a choice to make, choose your happiness overall.
So last night, I went to bed with a racing heart and a confused mind. I just laid there without my covers, cold and terrified of my future. This is what ALL OF US have felt at some point in life. Now, the question is that, why is everyone including myself so afraid of the upcoming turns in our lives? The answer is, lack of hope. Yes. Take my example, I’m a 19 year old girl who has failed to make the right choices. Despite my successful high school grades and college acceptances, I wasn’t really ‘happy and settled’. So, I decided to quit college in the USA and study in a Pakistani university. Its about time that I make the right choices in life. Though it might seem very attractive and rewarding, studying abroad is insanely expensive. Eventually after my first semester, I realized the debts I’ll have to pay for all the loans I was going to take to afford my education. Since I’m still a young adult and adult responsibilities have just hit me like a brick in my face, education is all that bothers me. I spent a good 4 months just browsing top ranking, low tuition universities everywhere and thinking about my career. I had realized that studying medicine in one of the ten healthiest universities in America wasn’t worth all the stress and money. My parents are just worried about, ‘log kya kahenge’ and I believe that its about time that people’s negative criticism shouldn’t mock me down, one more time. Its about time that my Phuphi’s and Khala’s stop worrying about where I am and start worrying about what their sons are doing. Its about time that I live my passion and make a career that recognizes me.
I found God without even realizing it. Everyday God was with me but I never noticed. I first found God, in the teary eyes of my beautiful and pious mother. I found God in my father’s hardworking hands. I found God in every ‘Yes’ I got from my parents. I found God in the love of my brother. I found God everyday, everywhere. I found God in my flaws and it was then that I realized that they weren’t flaws at all. I found my dearest God when I saw Shazi die at PIMS hospital, back home. I found God whenever I failed, I always failed and I always found God. I found God then, in the cracks of my broken heart. I saw God and his light on my days of despair and I found God in my anxiety. I found God in the rain, and in the snow. I found God in the nights of depression. Whenever I lost something, a voice always told me that God was with me. I found God when I learned about evolution in my college biology. I found God when he took away the people I loved the most. I found God in every good person, I found God in everyone who could love. I then learned that loving was a quality of the God that he shared with every creature he ever created. God loves. Gods knows. God is my savior. And then I found God in every dawn, I saw him in every dusk. God was with me when I walked 3 miles down the most unsafe road in Biddeford. My heart’s at peace knowing that God is ALWAYS with me and with everybody.
You will never know the pain behind letting someone go, not just from your life but from your very existence.
When you get so attached to somebody, they become a part of your existence. They become the cup of your coffee, every morning. They become your wandering thoughts at night. They become the colors, you see, when you close your eyes. You can’t explain. You can’t contemplate your true feelings for them because there are just not enough beautiful words to describe them. You will always have this one “someone” you never wanted to let go of. Someone, whose essence you’ll look for in everyone you’ll meet in your life. You will look for their habits and compare. There’s nothing wrong with it. You will never close your eyes without thinking of them. They become every bit of you. You’ll try to become like them. Good or evil. You will soon begin to change your diet, you will change your hairstyle, and you will start wearing their favorite colors. You will want to always prefer, their favorite food. The quest will never end. The temptation and desire to know them like you once used to know yourself. You will start fading from your own self. You will look in others, the things you adored about them.
That is, my beloved, called idealism.